Dear Career Confidant,
I’m 33 and I’ve been in my job for a few years. I used to love it, or at least I didn’t dread it. Now I wake up with a heavy feeling in my chest before I’ve even opened my eyes.
I keep telling myself it’s a busy patch. There’s always a reason: a deadline, a restructure, someone off sick and the rest of us covering. But I can’t remember the last time it felt quiet. My targets keep going up and nothing comes off my plate. I’ve also been asked to support new starters on top of my own workload, with no training and no extra time.
I’m tired in a way sleep doesn’t fix. I sleep loads and still wake up exhausted. I’ve stopped going to the things I used to enjoy. My friends invite me out and I say I’m busy, when really I just have nothing left. Last week my manager asked me a simple question in a meeting and I couldn’t find the words. I just stared at them. I get home and sit there, not even watching the TV, just sitting.
I’ve tried raising it. I mentioned my workload once and it felt like the message came back that I need to manage my time better. Now I wonder if it’s me. Everyone else seems to cope. I look at colleagues and friends and think, why can’t I just get on with it? I’ve got bills to pay and I can’t afford to fall apart.
How do I know if this is normal work stress that I should push through, or actual burnout? And if it is burnout, what do I do without losing my job?
Thank you for reading this. I don’t know who else to ask.
- Running on Empty
Thank you for writing. First, please hear this: you are not weak, and you are not the only one. Almost everything in your letter is something I hear from people again and again. Let me answer honestly, and I’ll start with something that happened to me.
You may have read my previous pieces where I talk about how, for years, I was advised to just “do everything” and “work on myself” when I was crashing. But let me be completely honest with you: no amount of personal development, time management, or positive thinking will fix a job that is fundamentally broken and asking too much.
Let me tell you about the exact moment I knew it was more than just stress...
The moment I knew
My friends were getting together for an exercise class and asked me to come along. A year earlier I’d have said yes without a second thought. This time I stood there with my phone in my hand and knew that if I went, I’d get home late, fall into bed, and pay for it the next day.
It wasn’t laziness. I had nothing left.
At the time I was up before 6am for a long commute into the city, and home at 7 or 8pm on very little sleep. Then I did it all again. I was new in the role, trying to learn everything and be the best. I wanted the promotion and the money, and I was neglecting my foundations to get them: sleep, food, rest and people.
Mornings started with dread. I slept a lot and never felt rested. Eating felt like a chore. Simple questions from my manager felt impossible to answer, and listening took real effort. I’d come home and just sit there. It wasn’t sudden. It was a slow slide, and that’s why I missed it.
When the workplace made it harder
Every month we had targets. If we missed them two months in a row, we’d be put on something like a probation process. I raised concerns about the workload, but nobody really heard me. Over time, the message became that the problem was me, and that I needed to go away and sort myself out.
I don’t think anyone meant it unkindly. Everyone was under pressure, including my managers. But the demands were built into the job, and they weren’t going to change just because I got better at coping.
That’s worth saying clearly. Burnout isn’t always about being “not resilient enough.” Sometimes it’s what happens when the demands are too high, your voice isn’t being heard and there’s no way to fix it.
Work stress vs burnout: what’s the difference?
Work stress has a cause and an end point. It might be a restructure, a deadline, or a project finishing before annual leave. It’s uncomfortable, but rest works. A client I worked with recently was going through a period of change at work. She was frazzled, but once the pressure passed and she had time to breathe, she recovered. (Details changed to protect her privacy.)
Burnout is what happens when chronic stress isn’t managed. The World Health Organization describes it as an “occupational phenomenon”, meaning it’s linked to work. It isn’t classed as a medical condition. They describe three parts:
Feeling exhausted or drained of energy
Feeling mentally distant from your job, or negative and cynical about it
Feeling less effective at work
Here’s the simplest way I can put it. Stress feels like a mountain: hard, but you can climb it and rest at the top. Burnout feels like a treadmill: you’re working hard and getting nowhere, and there’s no summit.
Work stress Burnout How long Days or weeks, tied to a cause Months or longer Does rest help? Yes Not much, or only briefly How it feels Wired, pressured, overloaded Empty, numb, drained Is there an end? You can see one You can’t
The two questions I’d ask yourself are: “How long have I felt like this?” and “Can I see an end to it?” If the answer is months, and a weekend or even a holiday doesn’t touch it, take that seriously.
What burnout looks like day to day
Tiredness that sleep doesn’t fix
Dread when you wake up, or sleeping far too much or too little
Losing your appetite
Trouble concentrating, listening or answering simple questions
Cancelling plans and pulling away from people
Aches, headaches, getting ill more often
Everyday tasks like cooking or washing up feeling huge
Feeling numb or cynical about work
A note on high-functioning burnout
Some people don’t fall apart in ways others can see. You keep hitting deadlines, keep showing up, keep being the reliable one. But underneath, you’re running on empty, snapping more easily, and dreading a job you used to manage fine. High-functioning burnout is still burnout. Looking “fine” from the outside doesn’t mean you’re okay.
A story from the NHS
A nurse I’ll call Sam (a composite, with details changed) worked in the NHS. First came constant tiredness. Then aches and pains. Eventually she couldn’t switch off even on her days off. Her workload wasn’t a pile she could clear. It was constant, with too many demands and too little within her control. Like a lot of people in caring jobs, she kept giving because the work mattered to her.
That’s the pattern I see. It isn’t just a big pile of emails you can get ahead of. It’s a job where you never feel you’re getting anywhere.
Why we ignore the signs
Think of your nervous system as the wiring in a car, or the cables in a computer. It connects your brain to your body. When it’s overloaded for too long, your body starts sending signals: exhaustion, pain, poor sleep, low mood. Your brain may be saying “I’m not okay”, and your body is feeling it. But most of us don’t listen, because there are bills to pay, a job to keep and a promotion to chase.
Lots of us were raised to push through. It might come from our families, school, friends, or a society that rewards being busy and having the “best” of everything. So we max ourselves out in every way until the body makes us stop.
For many women in their 30s there’s often a second job on top: the mental load at home, caring for children or parents, and being the one who remembers everything. Men carry pressure too, often with less permission to talk about it.
It’s not just you: work is asking too much
If you’ve been thinking “why can’t I cope when everyone else seems fine?”, please stop comparing yourself. Most people are struggling, and many just aren’t saying so.
These are the things I hear again and again:
Rising workloads and targets, with nothing taken off your plate
Extra responsibility without support, such as mentoring students or training new starters on top of your day job, often without training, time or extra pay
Managers who are overstretched themselves and don’t have the space to notice, or who read the problem as an attitude issue
Unpaid extras, like working through lunch, answering emails at night, or covering for a short-staffed team
I hear this across every sector, especially in caring and public-facing roles like health, education and social care, where people give and give because the work matters. Then we start to believe we’re the problem, when the job was never realistic.
We weren’t built to work like machines
Humans aren’t designed to work non-stop. Some anthropologists have suggested that hunter-gatherer communities spent fewer hours on food and survival than many of us spend at work, with time to rest, socialise and relax after eating. (This is debated, and it varied hugely between groups, but the point holds: rest was part of life, not a prize for finishing everything.)
Today many of us don’t get that. We’re expected to be always on, always available and always giving to others. We’re treated like machines, and we’re human.
This isn’t only a UK problem
Overwork culture exists around the world:
Japan has a word, karoshi, meaning death from overwork.
South Korea has had some of the longest working hours among wealthy countries, and the law now caps the standard working week at 52 hours.
China has “996” culture (9am to 9pm, six days a week). Courts and the government have said it breaks labour law, but the pressure hasn’t disappeared, and many young people have responded with the “lying flat” movement.
The US and UK have long hours, thin holiday allowances, and “hustle culture” all over social media.
Wherever you are, if you can’t relax and it’s just go, go, go, part of the problem is the culture around you, not your coping skills.
What to do next
See your GP if you’ve felt low or exhausted for two weeks or more. Burnout overlaps with depression, anxiety and physical causes like low iron or thyroid problems, so it’s worth ruling them out.
Name the cause. Is it workload, lack of control, unclear expectations, or not being heard? Write it down.
Check your contract or staff handbook for support you’re already entitled to. Many organisations offer an Employee Assistance Programme (EAP) with free counselling, occupational health referrals, or a confidential helpline. It’s often buried in the benefits section and easy to miss, so it’s worth five minutes to check.
Have the conversation with your manager. I know this isn’t easy, especially if the relationship is strained or you’ve been brushed off before. It’s still worth having. Even an imperfect conversation puts something on record and opens the door to support, adjustments, or at least a paper trail if things don’t improve. Acas has free guidance on raising concerns, and if you have a health condition or disability, you can ask about reasonable adjustments.
A script for opening the conversation:
“I wanted to flag that I’ve been feeling really exhausted and struggling to keep up, and it’s been going on for a while now, not just a busy week. I want to keep doing a good job, so I’d like to talk about what’s realistic with my current workload, and whether there’s any support available.”
If they brush it off or focus on your performance instead of the workload:
“I understand the targets matter. I’m raising this because I want to sustain my performance long-term, not just get through this week. Can we look at what’s driving the pressure, and whether anything can come off my plate or be adjusted?”
If you have a diagnosed health condition and want to ask for adjustments:
“I have [condition], and I’d like to talk about reasonable adjustments that could help me manage my workload sustainably. Is that something we can discuss, or should I go through HR or occupational health?”
You don’t have to get it perfect. Naming it once is the hard part. If your manager doesn’t respond well, that itself is useful information, and it’s worth going to HR or your EAP next.
Protect the basics: sleep, food, water and gentle movement. A short walk counts.
Talk to someone, whichever way suits you.
Shout: text SHOUT to 85258, free and 24/7, no phone call needed.
NHS 111: call and choose the mental health option (England).
Mind Infoline: 0300 123 3393, weekdays. Check their site for current hours.
Samaritans: 116 123, free and 24/7. If the line is busy, keep trying or email jo@samaritans.org.
Your employer: many workplaces offer free, confidential support, such as an Employee Assistance Programme, counselling line, or occupational health. Check your contract, staff handbook or intranet to see what you’re entitled to.
In immediate danger: call 999.
Ask whether the role is fixable. Sometimes it is, with a conversation and some changes. Sometimes it isn’t, and a careers conversation is a good next step. Leaving isn’t giving up.
Questions people often ask
Can burnout make you physically ill? Chronic stress can show up as headaches, stomach problems, aches, poor sleep and catching every bug going. Always get new physical symptoms checked by your GP.
How long does burnout last? It varies. Recovery often takes months, not weeks, and depends on whether the cause changes. Rest alone rarely fixes it if the workload stays the same.
Can I get signed off work for burnout in the UK? Burnout isn’t a formal medical diagnosis in the UK, but your GP can assess how you’re feeling and, if appropriate, give you a fit note for related conditions such as stress, anxiety or exhaustion.
Is burnout the same as depression? No, but they overlap. Burnout is linked to work, while depression can affect every part of your life. A GP can help tell them apart.
Should I quit my job? Not necessarily as a first step. Try naming the cause, speaking to your manager or HR, and getting medical support. If nothing can change, leaving may be the right choice, ideally with a plan.
You don’t have to figure this out alone
Burnout thrives in silence. When I finally talked about it, I realised how many people around me were quietly going through the same thing.
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A final word
If you’re recognising yourself here, you’re not weak and you’re not failing. You’ve carried too much for too long. Listening to your body is strength, not overreacting.
This article is general guidance based on my experience and work. It isn’t medical advice. If you’re worried about your health, please speak to your GP.
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